It is the eve of our nation's birthday, and I sit here, alone. My eldest, who had earlier invited me over for a fireworks swimfest, left to camp at the lake with her boyfriend and his family. Well, okay, good for her. I can summon up some happiness for them.
Her sister, who prior to going to girl's camp to humor her father, begged me to pick her up the moment she got back so she wouldn't have to endure another weekend away from home -- hasn't bothered to let me know she's b-a-a-a-c-k. And I can tell she is because she left little messages for her friends on Facebook and Myspace.
My oldest son, who lived with us during the school year, is spending the month with his younger siblings at his dad's, but didn't bother to visit me the weekend I had them. To be fair, he left me his laptop since mine is having seizures....but, it's not the same as getting a hug from him in person.
Then there's my youngest, who left for his dads a day early so he could sleep-in the next morning (who's he kidding? Doesn't happen, since they are regulated by his early-bird stepmother who doesn't believe in letting children spend their summer vacations sleeping past seven) promised he'd be right back to give me a hug after he dropped his things off inside, and then disappeared into his dad's den-of-horrors and never emerged for the hug. This after I spent a king's ransom on fireworks for his stay there because daddy dearest wasn't planning on funding it. I even splurged for those psychedelic plastic glasses you wear to make the fireworks funkadelic for him and his dad's new wife's kids (did you follow that?).
So at the moment, feelings of abandonment and being unloved abound. And to top it off, my mind insists on heckling me with the reminder that Byron Katie says we do things to ourselves and then tell the story that others are doing it to us (to paraphrase, however badly). So I have abandoned and unloved myself? Mabe so. And not just me, but others too. Consider my FB profile which has a quote (from a page you can Google called Zen Sarcasm):
"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone."
For some reason I always thought that was hysterical but it also kind of describes my life. Which I set up. And that is a scary thought.
Maybe I should get a cat after all. Wonder if Bubbles is available?
Happy Birthday America. And...
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